As soon as we moved in we started making friends with everyone around us, for the most part with the exception of a few neighbors (including but not limited to Loli) we’re all in our late 20’s or early 30’s.

It’s easy for us to get along, plus we watch out for each other. It works out, lately though, in our quiet little neighborhood we been having troublemakers and little thieves running around causing issues. Obviously, not the brightest bunch because each of our neighbors has door bell cameras and we look like we have a maximum security theme on the exterior of our house.

So one night we get a phone call from our neighbors across the way, next door to Loli, and they ask us to see if their package is still outside their door. I look out my office window and see their package a little opened, but otherwise there. I send them a photo and I get another ping.

Another neighbors package did get stolen, we have a neighborhood group chat and that’s how we stay on top of anything that’s going on in the community.

Ping.

Ping.

Ping.

Several more talking about things being stolen from their front porch.

Forget it, we have to have a meeting, since the club house is under construction and due to covid we decide to convene in the center of our homes. Basically each sitting on their respective cars.

We’re all greeting each other (from afar) and making small-talk when Guess who appears at her balcony.

None other than the queen herself.

Loli.

And she’s pissed, “eh y porque no me invitaron a esta fiesta?” ‘Why didn’t anyone invite me to this party!?” She says flustered trying to cover her petite frame with a silk night gown. This woman dresses like Cher.

We were really not planning on letting her in on our plans, but she’s here now and we have another factor to contend with.

So we have to explain to her that packages have been stolen from our houses, she shakes her head “a mi no me han robado nada!” ‘They haven’t stolen anything from me!’.

Duh, of course they haven’t all she gets delivered are her medicines and her daily cantina of food. Besides, who’s going to steal from Loli?

We decide to tell her that we’re making a plan to do something about our their problem.

Say less.

Like a spark, something lit up inside her.

“Apúntame!” ‘Sign me up’ she says without missing a beat.

No. No. No.

There’s no way in heck we’re going to have her involved in any of this.

Our plan is simple, we’re going to create a trap box, so a box that looks like it was delivered and left at our front porch (ours is the one that can be seen by the most cameras, plus it’s on the ground and easy to see from a thief walking by.

We’ll make it look like the newest gaming console was just delivered to our house and in reality, what’s inside is our neighbors kitty litter and some of our dogs…litter.

A genius idea, that way we can get photos of the person stealing to have actual evidence we can bring to the cops and our association.

Obviously we need a redundancy plan for Loli, because she’s a firecracker and we don’t need her running out and saying something crazy to the thief and blowing out plan. So we decide to send in the one neighbor who’s been properly quarantining since the beginning of all of this.

He works from home, gets tested regularly (he’s paranoid), and has his stuff together. So we told him to stay with her that night to keep any eye on her.

Friday after work we ready the box, and go about our afternoon the way we always do. My boyfriend and I park our cars at his uncle’s house so it looks like no one’s home.

Everyone is in position, lights off in the houses, my boyfriend is standing by the window in my office looking out, I’m typing away at my dimly lit computer sitting on the floor so no one see’s the light reflecting in the room.

Our neighbors are all in position watching from their office or kitchen windows, lights off. We’re texting back and forth, it’s mostly just people walking their dogs and that sort of thing.

12:30 am rolls around, I’m still at my computer, when I get the text saying someone in a dark hoodie and a mask and hat was approaching the box.

We’re all excited.

when my boyfriend says “oh f***” and runs down the stairs.

I get up rushing to look through the window, our agreement was for everyone to stay put and just take photos of the thief.

NOTHING ELSE.

So obviously seeing him running down the stairs made me panic.

When I look out the window guess who is running down the stairs with one of her six canes in hand, specifically her going out cane. An elegant wooden cane with a giant diamond at the end of it (absolutely a pimp cane if I’ve ever seen one).

She’s running down the stairs and before anyone could stop her we hear it.

Thwack.

Bone meeting wood.

The guy cranked back to hit her, obviously unaware that it was an old barely 5 foot tall woman, but before he could the guys had swarmed him and held him back.

The nurse had already called the cops and the rest of us ran outside, scolding Loli for what she had done and how dangerous that was. She didn’t care, blaming her age, she told us to tell them she was senile and a crazy old woman.

“Oh my god vieja what if they arrest you!?” One of the guys asked flustered.

She shrugged her shoulders “No fuera ser la primera ves.” ‘Wouldn’t be the first time.’

A moment before the police arrived Leo (the one who should’ve been granny sitting) runs down the steps out of breath in a panic.

He fell asleep, and woke up looked for her everywhere before he thought to come down stairs.

He got an earful from us.

Once the cop arrived he started filing the report, the usual asking what happened, and why there was a guy sitting on the curb with his head in his hands and a gash on the back of his head.

“That crazy b****!” He yelled at the cop pointing at us, the girls who were surrounding Loli and giving her an earful.

The officer pointed at the nurse and asked if he was saying that she cracked him on the head and he pointed again at Loli.

“This elderly woman. Hit you. With enough force. To bust your head open. Over a box. Full of feces. Right…” The officer rolled his eyes in disbelief.

Needless to say Loli didn’t brandish silver bracelets, they charged the thief with trespassing and removed him from the neighborhood, and it’s been a few days since this little incident occurred and with confidence I can l say, I doubt he’ll be back for round two.