*Trigger Warning*

Do not read further if you aren’t mentally, spiritually, and emotionally ready. I haven’t been writing a lot lately because my headspace hasn’t been right, I haven’t been truly resting, I’m exhausted.

I have thoughts on repeat that wake me up in a panic, flashes of things and it’s all I want to write about.

Until I write it down I won’t be able to rest, and maybe even after I do, I can’t be sure.

Now I’m sick to my stomach

I wake up and the thoughts just play on repeat, over and over reliving moments I hadn’t thought of since they happened.

Feeling that fear, discomfort, stress and panic all over again. Feeling like you’re the one at fault for having spoken to them, given them a ride, looked in their direction, worked for them.

It’s youre fault, you asked for it, you put yourself in a vulnerable position and this is gods way of punishing you for what you’ve done.

Beg for forgiveness, the way you begged them to stop.

Your body still remembers, there’s days you don’t want to be touched by anyone, days where you’re afraid to say too much for fear of triggering a memory, days where you hide yourself using humor and a confident mask to distract from the inner turmoil.

You are the eye of the storm.

You’re tired all of the time, carrying around the weight of their sins on your shoulders.

Meanwhile they live a life that’s light and breezy, you’re the one who suffers.

Who suffered.

Who, despite life finally going your way, now has to deal with the suppressed fear and pain bubbling up to the surface.

Like your mind’s waited for the water to calm to see what’s on the sea floor.

Yes you are broken,

but it isn’t your fault.