Loli has been a little cranky lately because we’ve all be really busy and haven’t been doing our usual check-in’s with her. She knows we all have our lives going on, but because she is an agent of chaos, she also enjoys causing havoc when she see’s fit.

Like today, she knows I walk around the neighborhood two times with Bandit, so she decides to enlist the aid of her friends to harass me and distract the dog. As if I don’t need anymore excuses not to exercise.

This particular evening she gets a phone call from a friend of hers, asking her to help her with an issue she was having with her phone.

“Tranquila La Niña va paya ahorita espérala,” she describes me and my dog, so she knows who to flag down.

At this moment, I know nothing about this arrangement, I’m just casually walking my pup and as I reach the opposite side of the neighborhood a little elderly woman runs out into the street, screaming for help.

I panic and look around, no one else is around so obviously, what the heck else am I supposed to do, but go help. I’m worried there’s someone injured in her house, or she needs help, a thousand thoughts flood my mind as I’m following her into her front area.

“Dame una mascara,”

‘Give me a mask’ I ask her so at least we’re both safe, and she runs inside grabbing one and handing it to me. (Keep in mind I purposefully don’t carry my mask around so I’m not even remotely inclined to speak to anybody around me).

She shows me her phone and says, “perdí todo los contactos.”

‘I lost all of my contacts’ and the life in my body drained, all that panic for contacts…

I sigh but decide I have no choice but to hear her out, she explains the issue, occasionally derailing to tell me about her son…

Who for the record has been awarded three scholarships one for piano, one for engineering, and one for…something fancy thing there. He also studied in some foreign country, and did x-amount of amazing things.

…great…

“Let me see your phone so I can figure it out, please.” (Obviously in Spanish)

She refuses to let me touch her phone but is very frustrated she’s not receiving phone calls, because her phone is silenced. I show her how to turn the ringtones on, she proceeds to flip out about why I would change her settings…

I realize she’s struggling with understanding things in her phone, because it’s all in English which she speaks a bit of, but when she tries to translate things she reads, she understands the wrong things.

So I offer to translate it to Spanish on her phone, change the settings, and I do.

She freaks out about the change and that now she won’t be able to understand any of it…

It’s in spanish….

She Speaks primarily spanish…

Then she proceeds to tell me about her husband and her fiancé. Her husband passed away when she was 25, then she was Engaged to a wealthy American Writer, who had wanted to transfer his assets over to her before a major surgery he was having.

She didn’t accept it, she wanted to wait until after their wedding, he passed away on the table. Leaving her with nothing.

Needless to say, that’s why she was a hot mess.

I’m struggling to figure things out for her, explain things to her, trying to give her examples that are easy to understand.

Lights are on…no one is home….

Finally it’s been nearing the 2 hour mark with her, right about when I start charging people for the amount of crazy I’m enduring, and I get a phone call.

From guess who,

No one other than the queen herself, Loli.

She’s cracking up, can’t breath laughter and tells me to tell her friend that I need to go help her with something.

She accepts it and let’s Bandit and I free, and as we’re walking away FIVE HOUSES AWAY I hear screaming, and a little bata de casa clad woman “running” after me.

“Oh my….”

”ITS SUPPOSED TO SAY 5G NOW IT SAYS WEEFEE I DONT HAVE WEEFEEE!”

I take a deep breath, take her phone, and turn off the wifi, and before she can finish asking me what I did, I wave her off and Bandit and I hightail it to Loli’s.

Loli has tears in her eyes when we arrive, “por dejar me sola tanto tiempo me tengo que entretener de otras maneras.”

‘Because you left me alone so long, I had to find other ways to entertain myself.”

Even Bandit looked defeated!

Note to self: Do not leave Loli unattended for more than two days, she’ll sick her army of elderly folks on us. Cruel and Unusual punishment if you ask me.

Her team of elders should be in charge of getting information out of people for the military if you ask me, they’d be highly effective and would never harm anybody. Just sheer psychological games.