Lately I’ve been searching for a lighthouse, a sign I’m heading in the right direction. Struggling to figure out what my destination is or should be, I try to find meaning in everything, constantly searching for landmarks, because if I’m being guided by some divine purpose everything I experience has meaning.

Other days I’m convinced we live in a simulation, everything is pre-programmed…it loses the romance a bit.

But that still means that everything has meaning and there are no accidents.

and…everything I experience is. STILL HAPPENING. for a reason.

Now I picture at times a pinball machine, where no matter how many set backs I may encounter the divine or the program all are making sure my ball goes right back up that machine. I may hit a few bumpers, fall back a few times get kicked back and make a few points, only to head right back, but…at least I’m on a path. There’s a goal.

Divine/Program

What I’m trying to circle around to is, there’s a purpose no matter what is steering the ship, but somehow I feel like despite everything, I can’t quite put my finger on mine.

I’ve explored this thought experiment for as long as I can remember, trying to piece together the absurdity of it all.

How can there be so many coincidences, how could the pieces all come together so precisely where it all makes sense.

Then the deeper it’s explored the less tangible or real it feels, almost as if it’s a system in place to disprove itself in order to keep its truths and secrets elusive and obscured.

Spirituality, the mind, existence; all feel like they’re the captains of this ship when the three programs are running in the background of your mind, but when they’re each pulled to the front. To process individually and in focus, it’s as if they fade. They lose power, they obscure and glitch.

Why does the map, meant to guide our entire journey, held up to the light, smudge and distort when examined? Our fingers covered in ink, stained because we got to close.

I can’t comprehend it, for a reason: So it doesn’t lose its power, its magic. We’re guided by blind faith, trust that despite our doubt, and distrust we’ll arrive at our destination.

The Rantings of A Mad Woman

I really do feel like I’m chasing my tail, I’ll find something, someone’s strong evidence but, the moment I dive into it, I begin to doubt it’s legitimacy. Like “they say they’re an expert but what if they’re just really good writers.”

They say it is proven, but by whom? And who can support it? Do they even believe in what they wrote? Or did they do it to skew the perceptions.

No wonder I feel crazy, I’m looking for an elusive lighthouse, guided by a smudged map, and a broken compass.