(This post is Labeled MA for Mature Audiences, reader discretion is advised due to objectification of men by an 80 year old woman. Please don’t cancel Loli.)

As you may all know Loli has never been one to have a filter, or pena (uh…shyness?). So one day I’m driving her back from a doctors appointment…(or was it one of our fieldtrips), and we passed by the Firefighters doing their yearly photoshoot, of course she’s like “entra ahi, a ver en lo que andan.” (Park there let’s see what they’re up to.)

“LOLI!” I scolded her, and she laughed, but insisted, so we pulled into the Starbucks next door hoping that I could use that excuse for her to watch a little longer without seeming like two creeps.

So we went through the drive thru, I ordered her a cafe con leche and I ordered myself the Nitro Brew, she sipped away not commenting on the drink, the way she usually judges them, meanwhile she looked like a dog with a bone, starring the firefighters down. As she’s ogling the shirtless gentlemen climbing around the fire station followed by their photographer, I’m sinking slowly lower and lower into my seat.

Sunglasses on.

Hoping to the universe no one recognizes my car… or me…

“Y que estan haciendo?” (What are they doing?) She says unbuckling her seat belt and opening the door.

<OH MY GOD LOLI STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?> I’m freaking out but trying not to cause a scene while I hop out of the car to help her out, even though she’s sliding out of her seat.

In my panic, she grabs her cane and pushes me away, all I’m thinking is what excuse I can come up with for why this elderly woman is approaching them, “I’ll say it’s a make-a-wish or something, for this lady,”

This is anxiety inducing, there she goes sauntering over to who I can only assume is the captain or chief and points at him with her cane, “guas dis?” (what’s this, in Loli’s broken English)

“Photo shoot, uh, para el calendario.”

I’m standing far behind her, looking away, hoping a black hole will open up in the ground and swallow me so I don’t have to live through this.

There she goes taking out a five dollar bill and handing it to him, “mandame uno cuando terminen.” (Send me one, when you finish). She presses the money against his stomach and, his eyes met mine. He looked like he didn’t know what to do and I shrugged my shoulders, cause I am not trained for this kind of behavior.

“Si, esta bien, dame la direcion.” (Sure, uh give me your address). He responded pursing his lips like he was at a loss, trying to level with her.

Instead she showed him her address on her I.D. he nodded and snapped a photo of it on his phone. She had a big smile on her face as she walked back to the car leaving me standing there ashamed, “uh how much do they really cost?”

“Eh don’t worry about it.”

“MANDA DOS!” (Send two!) she yelled back without looking.

I’m surprised I didn’t burst a blood vessel from how quickly the blood ran to my cheeks. He laughed and I ran after her as she hopped into the car without a care in the world.

The entire car ride home she was chatting up meanwhile I was still trying to get over the absolute embarrassment I felt.

If my house caught fire that night, I would have let it burn. There was NO WAY I was calling them anytime soon. No way!